im so tired of always over thinking

Today was such a hard day and before I closed my eyes for the night I was just crying and stressing and couldn’t get all these things out of my head …

For those of you that read my first post it briefly went into the fact that I’m all alone, at least that’s how I feel. I told you my parents live about 45 minutes away but I don’t have a relationship with them. They have broken me the fuck down and never were parents to me. It’s always been my older brother was everything to them and I was just there. Whatever he got I didn’t, when he went to football practice I stayed home. When he did anything at all to make my parents happy … Holy shit it was never ending. It was like they didn’t have no I was there and it  broke my heart from a very early age. This feeling of being worthless and not being loved has haunted me and entire childhood and now even being 24 years old it’s killing me more and more each day. This entire time I truly did believe I wasnt good enough for anything or anyone but I knew I wanted better. My husband has dealt with me through it all and we constantly are dealing with this shit head on yesterday I went to therapy and worked on a lot of stuff I felt like the day was going to be good but the minute my husband came home all hell broke loose it’s like something clicks in my head and I feel like he doesn’t care about me or I’m not pretty enough maybe if I lost weight he would find more attractive… My head just never ever stops. I’m so damn hard on myself but in the moment I can’t just take a step back and realize it’s like it takes 2 hours of me bitching and crying and accusing him of thinking I’m not good enough and it plan and simple sucks I don’t no why I do this. This entire time he has been going to therapy with me and he is learning how to make me feel good enough. So this very same morning he woke up be at 5:00am and said throw some clothes on lets drive to the beach and watch the sunrise. Omg it was perfect I could have cried it made me feel like he went out of his way to do this for me and I thought there’s no way this day could get ruined after this. But low and behold it did. Something triggered me and later in the afternoon I just flipped bc I felt like shit about myself. Is there anyone out there that has this problem. As I type this and think a lot of memories pop in my head and I will never forget the first time I met my soon to be sister  my mother and father were running their business from their house I’ll explain later what their business consisted of I don’t really want to get into it today.  Long story short there was a whole crowd of people in front of me and I smart mouth to my mother in front of my father… I was young in high school going through that phase a lot of mother and daughters go threw .  While everyone was watching because it started to get loud my dad stepped on the back of my flip-flop push me to the ground and called me a fat bitch. My soon to be sister in law saw the long thing.  Memories like this constantly run through my head and  it’s extremely hard for me to move forward when the entire time all I thought to myself what time never good enough make me feel like I’m just a piece of shit. It’s extremely hard for me to move forward when the entire time all I thought to myself what time never good enough.

I think I have officially lost it…

For the past year, well over a year I have been going to therapy twice a week for fourthy five minute sessions. Today I let her know I was thinking about blogging …my husband told me hell no but my therapist said it was a wonderful idea. First off I’ve had to learn I really have no one close to me that I can allow myself to have a deep connection with, hints why I wanted to start blogging, I just feel like there so many other people out there that can relate to me and think holy shit maybe I’m not the only crazy one, maybe I’m not crazy at all. I’m one to speak my mind and tell it like it is because that’s just my personality . If you haven’t found out what you’re type is I would highly recommend checking it out. It’s called enneagram personality type and I’m a 8! My therapist knew this with in the first two minutes of talking to me. They are called the Challenger. I’m direct, loyal, independent and very protective which makes it very hard for me and my husband to communicate, we are total opposites!. But the one good trait I think I have is my strong ways of showing people how much I love them. When I care about you I promise you will know. But this past two years has been extremely hard on me and all the years leading up to it. At this point I feel extremely alone, my two parents live about 45 minutes away from me yet I haven’t seen them or talked to them in two years, it was my choice to end the relationship but I will go into detail why I made the choice another day. I have a older brother that lives right down the street with his wife and daughter, I love him more than anything in the world and while him and my husband are attached at the hip it’s extremely hard because I can’t stand a lot of things about his choices he has made with his own family. It’s kind of like I’m just that girl that throws her hair in a pony tale and is up for anything but his wife is always done up always having the best of this and that its just not my style. Both my husband and my brother are in he military and honestly gone just about every single month then home for a week or two then gone so I get beyond lonely at times and my  anxiety and depression  Has flared so much over the last year I feel like I don’t want to be anywhere. Holy shit the thoughts of being near a crowd of people instantly pisses me off I just want to let at home in my comfort zone. I feel like I’m jumping out of my own skin yet the only person that knows this is my husband I just have a great way of hiding it from everyone. I can be hanging out with friends and no one will have a clue how I’m feeling inside but the minute I sit my ass on my couch at home I just vomit everything I was feeling and thinking into words to my husband. I have been so broken down lately that all these triggers from my past just haunt me and make me so upset and make me feel unloved or ugly or think about what if I looked like this or that and my head just runs a million miles per hour dwelling on things and I have no one to talk to about it. I’m just on this road to try and find happiness and trying to find my purpose for life. Until next time xo